Forgiveness

Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to a single deed from which we could never recover; we would remain the victims of its consequences forever, not unlike the sorcerer’s apprentice, who lacked the magic formula to break the spell.
(Hannah Arendt)

If one by one we counted people out
For the least sin, it wouldn't take us long
To get so we had no one left to live with.
For to be social is to be forgiving.
(Robert Frost)

The concept of forgiveness frustrates me.  Not the actual act of forgiveness nor receiving forgiveness, but lifestyle required by the choice of forgiveness.  It's not as easy as the first act of forgiveness feels, and some say the first step is the hardest.  And, if I'm really being honest, I guess I'm not frustrated with the lifestyle as much as I'm frustrated with the fact that it's a daily choice I'm so tempted not to make.
After years and years of anger, pain, and some healing, I was--for probably the millionth time--challenged to forgive someone who had caused the majority of pain in my life.  It started as an intellectual choice which I made after struggling with my pain.  I knew that it was getting in the way of my relationship with Jesus and He was calling me to do it at that moment.  So I told Him that I forgave this person.  And then a weight was lifted and my heart felt lighter.  I didn't even realize it was heavy.

For the first time I realized that I was holding this person responsible for the sins that even God wouldn't.  I held on to my anger because it made me feel justified in my pain, but this act unwittingly slapped the sacrificial act of Jesus in the face.  His death covered all sins.  All of them.  My sins; the world's sins; the sins of the past and the future; my sins that hurt others; others' sins that hurt me.  They are all covered.

But Jesus doesn't just tell us to forgive others over and over and over again, He tells Peter this in Matthew 18:22 with a sense of finality and closure.  The Greek word for "said" or "answered" originally comes from the statement "I lay down to rest" and become the word that held the connotation of laying an argument to rest. (www.biblos.com)  Jesus pulls out His authority on this one with a gentle statement similar to a parent's "We aren't having this conversation again.  This is final."

Jesus follows this with the story about the king and the servant.  The servant (me) begs the kind (God) for more time to pay off his debt (sin).  The king graciously forgave the debt completely and sent the servant on his way. The servant then held another man responsible for a debt owed the servant and put the man in prison until he could pay the debt.  When the king heard this, he threw the servant in jail until he could pay the debt. (Matthew 18:21-35)

Then Jesus says: 

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matthew 18:35)

Oof.  That's one to the gut.

The Greek word for heart here is kardiōn which refers to "our 'desire-decisions' that establish who we really are." (www.biblos.com)  We must forgive from the deepest part of our being.  Sorry, moms and dads of the world, but all those apologies you forced us to make when we were children, they weren't apologies.  We knew it then, but it carries so much more weight for us now that we know it doesn't count.

But why can't it stick the first time?  I know that we are sinful and the heart is desperately wicked, but the struggle between my love for God and my love for self seems so real when the idea of forgiveness presents itself.  It seems like all the triumphs (e.g. the act of forgiveness) is only momentary.

Forgiveness is not just a daily choice, it's an hourly--sometimes minute-by-minute--choice.  And we have no excuse of being too tired or drained from the pain.  If God can do it every single moment with trillions of people, then I should be able to do it with the few people in my life.  We are made in His image after all.
I guess it's just so darn annoying that it's so hard and constant.  I know it's like every other habit and you have to do it over and over again until you finally get it, but this one comes with so much more weight.  It comes with wading through the pain and seeing it for what it really is (our fallen humanity).  Yet it also comes with so much more freedom than any other habit can.  We are released not only from anger and pain, but from our own insecurities which prevent us from trusting Jesus to heal the wounds.

I guess it all comes to down to who you trust more: yourself or Jesus.